


Two FBI Agents Walk into a Bar...

by Fides



Category: Dollhouse, Fringe, The X-Files
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Merry Month of Masturbation Challenge, Multi, mmom, mmom 2009, mmom 2009: day 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-13
Updated: 2009-05-13
Packaged: 2017-10-03 02:57:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fides/pseuds/Fides
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone enjoys a few drinks after work with colleagues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two FBI Agents Walk into a Bar...

"So where is she?" Mulder asked. The question was largely rhetoric as his companion, who had also just arrived, was unlikely to know more than he did.

Ballard looked around the bar, finding a free table he made towards it. "Something probably came up," he said bitterly, "we can't all be on suspension, can we"

Mulder followed him. "First suspension?" he asked brightly.

Ballard nodded and sat down, clearly not in the mood for such a light-hearted response.

"I'll get this round," Mulder offered. "Beer and a shot?"

"What about Dunham?"

Mulder shrugged. "She can get her own when she arrives. Your first suspension deserves a drink. Or five."

"I could do with one," Ballard admitted, "or five."

Mulder nodded understanding and headed for the bar.

"What I don't get," he said when he returned, plumping pints and shots down on the table, "is how we get so much crap and Dunham gets support all the way."

He fished in his pockets and pulled out a few packets of beer nuts, adding them to the collection on the table.

"I know," Ballard agreed, taking a pull on his beer, "I think there's a company brainwashing people and I get shut down so fast you'd think I'd suggested we water-board the president. She suggests it and her guys build her the machine to do it in the lab."

Mulder's eyes lit up. "Have you met her guys? I thought mine were good - and they are, don't get me wrong..."

"At least you had guys!" Ballard objected, dampening Mulder's enthusiasm. "I was on my own."

"No one?"

"One of my colleagues, Loomis, ran a few searches for me out of pity." Ballard looked down at his beer, pushing it away he reached for the shot glass. "Otherwise no one they hadn't sent into spy on me."

"Partner?"

"Not in the FBI sense." Ballard downed the shot, slamming the glass back on the table, "I really thought she... we... and then I found out she was just a plant."

"Cheers," Mulder agreed laconically, downing his own shot in one swift action.

"You too?"

"My partner."

"But you weren't..." Ballard gestured vaguely but meaningfully.

Mulder said nothing.

"Your partner?" Ballard looked surprised. "But she's still around so you must have worked it out."

Mulder ducked his head. "Not her."

"Oh."

Silence reigned over the table as they both considered that.

"Did you..." Ballard began, "after you knew?"

"Yeh." The red flush on Mulder's neck could easily have been due to the whiskey he'd just downed.

"At least yours wasn't brainwashed into believing she wanted you," Ballard argued.

"At least yours didn't choose to betray you."

"At least yours could make a choice."

"You know what really gets me," Mulder said slowly, "Dunham sleeps with her partner only to find out betrayed her - fair enough, we've all been there - and then, THEN, she finds out that he's really been working for the NSA all along and didn't actually betray her at all. She gets the lab, the support and her ex turns out to be a hero after all."

"So," Ballard said, "no chance yours was NSA?"

"If he was, he probably betrayed them as well. Rat-bastard." The hate was more rote than anything else.

Ballard looked at him questioningly. Mulder shrugged in answer and Ballard shrugged back. They clinked glasses and drank.

Finishing his pint, Ballard said, "Another?"

Mulder grunted affirmative and popped a few of the nuts into his mouth. Chewing methodically while he waited. Provisioned once more, they downed their shots in synch and reached for their respective beers.

"She's still not here," Ballard commented.

"She's probably in her great lab," Mulder suggested moodily.

"With her great boss," Ballard agreed, "and all her friends in the fucking agency. Don't get me wrong - I like her - but does everyone worship the ground she walks on?"

"That guy they brought in to review her work didn't like her," Mulder pointed out hopelessly.

"Mine didn't like me either," Ballard dismissed, "and I didn't have him up on a sexual harassment charge. But it doesn't matter - he's dead."

"Your case reviewer?"

"No - hers. Crispy fried."

Mulder looked surprised. "Actually, 'seen the body' dead?"

Ballard nodded. "'Seen the body and definitely him' dead. She got to watch him burn."

Mulder rolled his eyes. "Of course she did. I lost count of how many times I thought one of the bastards was dead only to have them come back."

"Makes you think someone out there doesn't like us." Ballard grinned.

"I don't know about you - I've got a whole damn consortium of them."

They toasted each other again.

"So we are," Ballard listed carefully, "unloved, unappreciated and, according to the FBI, total crackpots."

Mulder nodded firm agreement. "Why does she drink with us again?"

Ballard looked around the table. "Well, currently she isn't."

"Point."

"Do you think," Ballard said speculatively, "that she'd give us a job?"

Mulder laughed and, after a moment, Ballard joined him. They were still laughing when the final member of their party arrived, pulling up a chair and settling herself between them.

"Sorry I'm late," Dunham greeted them, "caught a break on a case."

They both sobered up.

"Anything interesting?" Mulder asked.

"Normal thing," Dunham slipped off her coat and hung it over the back of her chair as she spoke, "some weird purple gas that kills the infected person's partners during sex."

Both men stared at her, fascinated. When no further details were noticeably forthcoming they shared a quick look.

"What did you do?" Mulder demanded, having lost the battle of wills.

Dunham shrugged. "Got it to masturbate. My round?"


End file.
